Scottish Jokes

  • A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair.
    "Comfy?' asks the dentist.
    "Govan," she replies.
  • After announcing he's getting married, a boy tells his pal he'll be wearing the kilt.
    "And what's the tartan?" asks his mate.
    "Oh, she'll be wearing a white dress,"
  • Ten cows in a field. Which one is closest to Iraq ?
    Coo eight.
  • A Scotsman in London is having trouble phoning his sister from a telephone box. So he calls the operator who asks in a plummy voice:
    "Is there money in the box?
    "Naw, it's just me," he replies.
  • While getting ready to go out, a wee wifie says to her husband:
    "Do you think I'm getting a wee bit pigeon chested?"
    And he says: "Aye, but that's why I love you like a doo."
  • What do you call a pigeon that goes to Aviemore for its holidays?
    A skean dhu.
  • How many Spanish guys does it take to change a light bulb?
    Just Juan.
  • While being interviewed for a job as a bus driver, a guy is asked:
    "What would you do if you had a rowdy passenger?" "I'd put him off at
    the next stop," he says. "Good. And what would you do if you couldn't
    get the fare?" "I"d take the first two weeks in August," he replies.
  • A Glasgow man - steaming and skint - is walking down Argyle Street when he spots a guy tinkering with the engine of his car!
    "What's up Jimmy?" he asks.
    "Piston broke," he replies.
    "Aye, same as masel".

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